Sunday, October 30, 2011

love isn't easy (but it sure is hard enough)

"Let's do this again sometime."

Those will be the last words that I will hear from Ram. Then JM. We met, shook hands, had coffee. Conversation was good enough. After an hour or two we part ways. We shook hands again, promising to keep in touch.

Then after a couple of text messages, communication fizzles out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I've had these couple of dates coffee meet-ups -- I've broken my record number of zero a year, not counting the "annual thing." Also not counted are the "it's-a-no-for-now," and the flirty exchanges between myself and some users of that iPhone application, all of whom expressed interest of meeting/hooking up "sometime". Obviously, as of this writing, no concrete date and time has been set (there were some cancellations, but I can take the blame for those).

"Ang choosy mo kasi." This is what my friends always say. Before I would've agreed to this statement wholeheartedly. After all, as someone who watches and analyzes porn for no good reason, the standards will be set high, even unconsciously (see: the 21 things post, which apparently is still getting traffic, but that's because of the picture). But someone told me that I should have at most three non-negotiable traits when looking for a partner. Apparently good things come in threes, and it is said that when things get tough between  you and your partner, you have to remind yourself of these three things that made you fall in love with him/her to begin with.

So from 21, I tried summarizing them to the following (and one addendum):

  • Is more butch than me (this is supposed to be easy, given that I am supposed to be the baseline of nelly queen-ness)
  • Can stand on his two own feet
  • Kaya akong sakyan
I think the problem lies in the third one. Sure, I think part of the problem may still have something to do with the nelly-ness (goodness knows how I beat that dead horse a couple of years ago -- I ended up being featured in a popular blog because of that). But if recent experiences tell me something, it's this: either they don't know what they're gonna ride, or they've seen all of it and they don't like it.

Yes, apparently either I have too many barriers, or I am a walking TMI. Or maybe the TMI-ness is the defense mechanism? Perhaps I don't follow through enough, or I'm not assertive enough to make the first move or send the text message the morning after. But should I exert effort if I don't feel... something? Am I too quick to bucket someone into a non-feeling after just one date and a couple of exhanges of sweet nothings to begin with?

One of my greatest fears is that I will never fall in love. Some say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. I think I love myself enough -- sometimes a bit much. And I have friends who love me in return.

But come to think of it, some of my crushes end up being my friends. I think that will be my second greatest fear: everyone will love me as a brother.

Happy Hallow-queen.

1 comment:

Tintination said...

don't analyze things too much. even if we say these things (you don't put yourself out, you're choosy, etc.), you know deep down you won't be alone forever.

all you have to do is to forever have that faith in yourself. that's all that matters.