I guess a major act of bad judgment and/or stupidity, like the Olympics, happens to me every four years.
Okay, so what happened almost exactly four years ago was not the same thing. But I can't help but compare the two--dare I say close calls?--because in the end, I can't help but feel pissed off at myself.
A warning: major stupidity ahead. As with some of life's little lessons, when you look back, you wish you would've done something else. Of course, my thought process was different when the actual event was happening and/or why I let things happen.
So I met this guy on Grindr [Flag 1] about a week ago. He initiated the conversation and he's not bad-looking so I entertained him. He expressed interest "to hang out" with me (he's "not into SEB" though, according to his message... just good clean fun) at the onset. Which, I thought, is good. We've had a few more exchanges then, mostly to try setting up "the" date.
Last night, we finally met. It was spur-of-the-moment: he said that he's nearby and maybe we can finally hang out. In my place. And perhaps he can sleep over [Flag 2] (because he's from Bulacan and he only goes to Manila for business).
Now, the thing is, a group of friends and I already planned to have some w(h)ine and cheese at my (mom's) place so I initially said no because of the said gathering. Or more accurately, I said "it might not be possible." We settled to meet at Megamall instead. The wine can wait until later.
So we did meet there and chatted for a bit. He's cute, quite charming, articulate. He's tiny, which fits my type nicely. :-) And we really had a good conversation, despite it being more on superficial things like MMFF and his family business and the usual icebreaker chitchat. For some reason, the small get-together at our place was brought up again during our conversation. Out of courtesy(?) and partly because I already felt at east with him, I invited him over (again). He said yes, but what about the sleepover [Flag 3]. I said I can probably arrange that after all. He even bought
(At the back of my mind, I calculated the possible risk factors and, assuming that my friends will sleep over, I thought I/we are relatively safe.)
I relayed this info to my friends, who, got worried (and rightfully so, now that we've done a pseudo-post-mortem about it hours later) and tried to "cancel" the event [Flag 5]. I asked the guy if he still wants to go. He said why not [Flag 6]. I drove us to my place.
In retrospect, my thought process was that, really, I'm okay with it. This happens all the time right? But what creeped me out was when he wanted to sleep in my room, even though I showed him the guest room where he can stay [Flags 7-10]. I needed an exit strategy.
To cut the (already) long story short, I told him he cannot stay after all. Guy is obviously pissed as I walked him out and waited with him for a cab at 9PM in the rain. He was silent after that. I even offered to lend him my umbrella, half-joking that it should give us a good reason to see each other again when he returns it. No dice.
I messaged him on Grindr to SMS me once he's home (for the life of me I didn't get his mobile number), along with an apology. Next thing I know he disappears in my recent list. I was blocked.
Nakakloka. Na-depress pa ko sa lagay na yan ha! It's a possible missed connection! And I felt guilty since I invited him and dis-invited him again. Poor guy has to go back to Bulacan for crying out loud. I would be pissed if someone did that to me.
Then the red flags started popping up. Flags that I may have not seen, or chose to ignore.
(Friends decided to come by after all; apparently they really just want to get rid of Guy first, out of concern for me and my family. *aww* I love these guys.)
Some of the questions that were raised during the w(h)ine session that ensued:
- At the onset, he really wanted to hang out in my place. Granted, he lives far away. But is that normal behavior, even for him? Especially if there are no expectations ("not into SEB") on what's gonna happen? I have no answer for that, to be honest, as this was the first time I took a guy home. Also, to paraphrase Eric, hindi man lang sya naging uncomfortable when the gathering was supposedly canceled?
- If he's in town on official business, why is his phone not working? Apparently, he can't text or call, but his 3G works (hence the chats).
- Why the sudden blocking? Again, I understand that he'd be upset. But at the very least he could've told to GTFO before doing so. Especially since, before we met, one of his last messages was that I should be "man enough" to tell him I changed my mind and chose not to meet him instead (I was running a little late when he sent that).
*sigh* Depression and slight anger has passed after sleeping it off last night. Now paranoia has kicked in, what with him knowing where exactly I live etc. (I was recalling our conversation over ice cream and checking just how much info I gave him. Ugh.) I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and hopefully we can both just move on. He does seem like a nice guy and I did have a good time. And he did put himself out and went with me, whom he just met. But... I dunno. Guy has no digital footprint when I tried Googling for him, for one thing.
(The cynic/paranoid in me says that I was socially engineered, which is ironic, given what I do for a living *head desk* *facepalm*. I just hope there won't be any other, negative repercussions because of that.)
Three things that I also realized from this:
- I really need learn how and when to say no. Especially if (literally) my life depended on it.
- Stop being wishy-washy and stick to my original decision dammit. Also: trust my instincts. Then again, I'd like to think that I did trust my gut when I invited him the first time. Of course, it kicked in again when things get a bit... creepy.
- Apparently I am getting out of my shell and having some progress going with the flow and breaking down my walls. I just overdid it in this case I guess.
Okay. I just had to get this off my chest. This will pass. I hope sooner rather than later.