fifteen

'Cause when you're fifteen
And somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them

- Taylor Swift, "Fifteen"

I've started collecting gay young adult (YA) fiction without actually meaning to do so. It started with one or two books from my wish list during our team Christmas party last year, until it grew to about ten now because 1) what used to be a generous supply of LGBT books in National Bookstore and PowerBooks somehow dwindled over the years (and those left dusting in the shelves are not my type), 2) I wanted to spend the P1,000 gift certificate I also got during the holidays, especially after reading the first YA I got (A Really Nice Prom Mess by Brian Sloan), and 3) I figured it was a way of adding more crossed-outs in the 50 best gay books list. Hehe. Call me an egoistic, pseudo-intellectual list-manic. ;-)

Also, for the past couple of weeks my playlist has been continuously playing Taylor Swift. Especially her latest album Fearless. Some of my colleagues think my recent love affair with Taylor began just because "You Belong With Me" was sung (somewhat disastrously) by Stevie Wright during Week 1 of American Idol semis. Those who know better know that "Hey Stephen" has been on a continuous loop since late January/early February. The media has been touting this girl as a superstar, and based on the songs she sings (and writes) -- from "Tim McGraw" to "Love Story" -- the pop-culture junkie in me has to agree. :)

Call the above mentioned activities as my ways of reclaiming a lost childhood (or should I say puberty?). ;-) Or reliving some of the better/worse momemnts during high school. One could even call these as my introductory courses in Homo/Life 101. After all, I may be approaching late twenties but the lack of experiences and rites of passage(s) probably makes me fifteen gay-years old.

(Incidentally, I did come out when I was fifteen).

Previous entries say as much: the unrequited crushes. The as-yet-to-happen first love and first heartbreak. The curious naivete of new discoveries. The earnest and romantic notion of almost everything -- including setting very high standards of Mr. Perfect. I may not be the most positive person in the planet (I do have the tendency to be cynical and maasim), but hey, I believe (yep, still do) that someday my prince will come and sweep me off my feet towards happily ever after.

(Of course, the problem here is that masyado naman akong nagpapaka-prinsesa/damsel in distress to do something about it. That's another issue that I am working on. Real hard.)

Which is why I cried when Jason and Kyle first kissed in Rainbow Boys. And when Drew doesn't realize that Taylor Swift is in love with him in "Teardrops On My Guitar". Part of me can relate to these ideal happy endings and -- on the other end of the spectrum -- real love lost (or probably missed). And yet, part of me is frustrated with the slow pace my of "growth" while time flies so fast.

And when you're fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen