hands clean

So what has been referred to as "the annual thing" happened last Friday, much to the surprise of everyone, myself included. I mean, I have been telling people that it won't be for at least a week. And then all of a sudden I find myself going bat-shit because of the lack of prior notice and preparations, schedule conflicts, and whatnot.

(Then again, I do have some say in terms of the schedule. I guess I just wanted it to happen sooner than later. It is a yearly thing after all.)

A couple of thoughts ran through my head whilst doing the cleansing: on the one hand, I was glad to have gone through the experience again, which now ranks 2nd out of the three times it has happened (last year's is still tops, for all the obvious reasons). On the other hand, I'm not exactly looking forward to it anytime soon (and trust me, with five weeks to spare, I won't be surprised if another schedule comes up). Put it this way: I am simply getting tired of it. Sure, it may not be as underrated as before and there are promises that it will be "new and improved" but still... *sigh*

Miray says it's because there are no real connections (read: feelings) involved. And she's correct. I know that since the beginning because I consciously made that decision, too. I guess the difference now is that unlike the last times when there were still that excitement of the uncharted territories, I now know and feel that I am self-sufficient enough (how redundant...hehe) to satisfy my own needs. *ehem* Don't get me wrong here -- there were some things that I was pleasantly surprised to discover last Friday. There are probably more to discover still. But to put it bluntly, I am now more confident to say that frak it, I can do better. Thanks to certain events (and people) that transpired in between... pilgrimages. ;-)

Of course, another way to look at it is that the games have already been played. Looks like I'm ready to dive into the more serious matters. If that's the case, then I must be getting really old (read: mature). HAHAHAHA!

Which is exciting. But scares the shit out of me still.